Sommelier Jobs

If you type a search into monster.com for the esteemed wine position of "Sommelier", the first result is featured employer, Taco Bell.  

New joke

I was going to be a suicide bomber when I grow up.  But my career ended up being a dud.

I wanted to be an actor that plays suicide bombers, but my career never blew up. 

If I publish these jokes, will the FBI come to my house?  Or even worse, TSA? 

Can I get a laugh for world peace? 

Old joke

I heard an old joke about a terrorist:

After the war, I met a suicide bomber.  He went on six missions. 

Tasting wine

If I really want to taste wine like the consumer does, I should drink it from the bottle.

Water parks

Water parks are going to be opening this year for the first time without any operating bathrooms.

When asked why, the water park commented, "You all don't use them, anyways."

My wine drinking buddies and I have a secret handshake.

We pound our fists together and say, "Ching!"

Gps voices

Women are statistically more likely to listen to a males voice on a gps navigation system. 

Men are not likely to listen to anyone. 

Pun preparation

I intend to make a company that specializes in private investigation and building log cabins.

I will call the company Sure Log Homes.   

Bigots

Have you ever noticed how much it offends a racist to be called a bigot?

If I could rename my father, I would call him, Waldo.  I could always find waldo. 

Fake business idea

I want to make a fake business website that sells items that don't exist, like Jetsons cars and miniature giraffes and then take it to scientists and say, "look, I've got 20,000 orders for this products, get on inventing this.  

Drive to work

I love the drive to work.  It's the only time I get to read anymore. 

Ordained

If you were ordained, would you mary me?

Hispanic Racism

Americans need to stop trying to oppress latin Americans.  They oppressed african americans until heroes stepped up, and change was forced.  So, unless Americans want to have March as Latin American History Month, and a holiday named after an assassinated hero ( probably named senor martin julio rey or manuel equis), that the southern states refuse to ratify until the federal government forces them to give the day off. 

Don't repeat history and end up with a situation where all month we hear about every day inventions that were invented by hispanics. 

I gave myself a raise

I gave myself a raise at work today.  I sat on a phone book.

Paradise

Girl.  Take me on vacation
Italian accent.  Where do you want to go?
Girl.  Take me to paradise!
Italian accent. I got pair' a'dice right here.  Whatta you wanna play?  Craps, pig, yahtzee, bunco, cee-lo? 

Refrigerator

A refrigerator is something you by when your frigerator didn't do it's job the first time.

Prosthetics

I opened up a prosthetics manufacturing company. 

The startup costs were an arm and a leg. 

Our anniversary

I don't celebrate our anniversary.

I lament it. 

Girl. I got a dress
Italian accent. What's your a dress?

My father made the newspaper.  I filed a missing persons report.

I didn't get accepted for a job.

I applied for this position at NORML.  I didn't get it...

I failed the drug test. 

Sherlock Holmes

If Sherlock Holmes was alive today, would he be looked at as an incredible man? 

Why yes, he would have had a book written about him near 100 years before his birth. 

Jetsons car

Where is the jetsons car?   Come on, science...

If we had the jetsons car, TSA would be right there in our garage.  I'd be going to work in the morning...

"Empty your pockets into  this bin...  Take off your belt and jacket." 

a bill collextor called and said, " before you say anything, I just called post office.  the check is not in the mail. 

I got so good at avoiding creditors that they offered me a job in the payment evasion center

A married household

A married household is one where the husband comes home from work, the wife says, "Welcome home," then proceeds to tell him why he is not. 

Religious metaphor

A religious person has their eyes tightly shut with such force that they see visuals and lights that do not exist.  He says, “There are things here that are greater than us.”  

An agnostic person has their eyes shut gently.  He cannot see what the religious person sees, but does not deny what they say.  He says, “There could be all kinds of things out there.”

An atheist wears a blind fold.  He keeps his eyes open, but cannot see anything but black.  He states, “There is nothing here.”  

A philosopher has open eyes.  He looks forward, and turns his head to look around.  He says, “It’s black as night out.” 

Painters jacket

Every time I take off my painting jacket, I take off a coat.