Paradise

Girl.  Take me on vacation
Italian accent.  Where do you want to go?
Girl.  Take me to paradise!
Italian accent. I got pair' a'dice right here.  Whatta you wanna play?  Craps, pig, yahtzee, bunco, cee-lo? 

Refrigerator

A refrigerator is something you by when your frigerator didn't do it's job the first time.

Prosthetics

I opened up a prosthetics manufacturing company. 

The startup costs were an arm and a leg. 

Our anniversary

I don't celebrate our anniversary.

I lament it. 

Girl. I got a dress
Italian accent. What's your a dress?

My father made the newspaper.  I filed a missing persons report.

I didn't get accepted for a job.

I applied for this position at NORML.  I didn't get it...

I failed the drug test. 

Sherlock Holmes

If Sherlock Holmes was alive today, would he be looked at as an incredible man? 

Why yes, he would have had a book written about him near 100 years before his birth. 

Jetsons car

Where is the jetsons car?   Come on, science...

If we had the jetsons car, TSA would be right there in our garage.  I'd be going to work in the morning...

"Empty your pockets into  this bin...  Take off your belt and jacket." 

a bill collextor called and said, " before you say anything, I just called post office.  the check is not in the mail. 

I got so good at avoiding creditors that they offered me a job in the payment evasion center

A married household

A married household is one where the husband comes home from work, the wife says, "Welcome home," then proceeds to tell him why he is not. 

Religious metaphor

A religious person has their eyes tightly shut with such force that they see visuals and lights that do not exist.  He says, “There are things here that are greater than us.”  

An agnostic person has their eyes shut gently.  He cannot see what the religious person sees, but does not deny what they say.  He says, “There could be all kinds of things out there.”

An atheist wears a blind fold.  He keeps his eyes open, but cannot see anything but black.  He states, “There is nothing here.”  

A philosopher has open eyes.  He looks forward, and turns his head to look around.  He says, “It’s black as night out.” 

Painters jacket

Every time I take off my painting jacket, I take off a coat.