A married household

A married household is one where the husband comes home from work, the wife says, "Welcome home," then proceeds to tell him why he is not. 

Religious metaphor

A religious person has their eyes tightly shut with such force that they see visuals and lights that do not exist.  He says, “There are things here that are greater than us.”  

An agnostic person has their eyes shut gently.  He cannot see what the religious person sees, but does not deny what they say.  He says, “There could be all kinds of things out there.”

An atheist wears a blind fold.  He keeps his eyes open, but cannot see anything but black.  He states, “There is nothing here.”  

A philosopher has open eyes.  He looks forward, and turns his head to look around.  He says, “It’s black as night out.” 

EPA Fail

So pumping poisonous brines into the ground can contribute to pollution. Who would have guessed? Good job EPA.
http://www.npr.org/2011/12/08/143362512/epa-implicates-fracking-in-wyoming-pollution

Domain Names

Have you heard about the new .XXX domain names for the Porn Industry?  Finally, all those porn domains can be bought up and used by legitimate businesses.  My church is thinking of buying AlwaysOnMyKnees.com

(This is just a joke.  The website is fake.  Please do not click on the fake address.)

Monk sets self on fire

A Tibetan monk set himself on fire yesterday to protest China's rule over the region.  The Chinese government is hoping more will follow suit. 

Pistachios

Pistachios are the clams of the nut family.

Fixing education in Georgia

Fareed Zakaria did a special called "Fixing Education".  But really, that was the whole problem with the testing system in Georgia.  It was fixed. 

Cognitive comedy

I am a cognitive comedian.  Which means, if you talk to Descartes, that you have to think about my jokes, then they exist. 

Ancient woman just like today

It will be no surprise to anyone that the phrase "Women!  Can't live with them, can't live without them!" was an old saying in ancient Greece. 

Cigarettes vs. car accident

Even if I smoked cigarettes, I would be more likely to die in a car accident.  I live in an asian neighborhood.

My Mother in-law

I'm not saying my mother in-law and I don't get along.  Its just the restraining order gets in the way.

Rational Thinking

When I buy a loaf of bread and bring it home to my family, I break it off into little bites and hand the tiny morsels to everyone, one per person.  When they say, "what are you doing?", I say, "I'm being rational."

Cogito

Descartes:  Christof!  I have figured it out.  I think, therefore I am!

Christof:  If that's true, what about idiocrates?

Idiocrates:  Derrrrrrr........

A thief broke into a labratory...

A thief broke into a labratory last night.  He stole one molecule of NaCL and one lithium ion.

He is wanted for assault and battery.