Religious metaphor

A religious person has their eyes tightly shut with such force that they see visuals and lights that do not exist.  He says, “There are things here that are greater than us.”  

An agnostic person has their eyes shut gently.  He cannot see what the religious person sees, but does not deny what they say.  He says, “There could be all kinds of things out there.”

An atheist wears a blind fold.  He keeps his eyes open, but cannot see anything but black.  He states, “There is nothing here.”  

A philosopher has open eyes.  He looks forward, and turns his head to look around.  He says, “It’s black as night out.” 

Nato suicide bombing in afghanistan

A nato building was suicide bombed today in Afghanistan.  When are we going to start building nato buildings in their part of town?

Pistachios

Pistachios are the clams of the nut family.

Fixing education in Georgia

Fareed Zakaria did a special called "Fixing Education".  But really, that was the whole problem with the testing system in Georgia.  It was fixed. 

Cognitive comedy

I am a cognitive comedian.  Which means, if you talk to Descartes, that you have to think about my jokes, then they exist. 

Ancient woman just like today

It will be no surprise to anyone that the phrase "Women!  Can't live with them, can't live without them!" was an old saying in ancient Greece. 

Cigarettes vs. car accident

Even if I smoked cigarettes, I would be more likely to die in a car accident.  I live in an asian neighborhood.

My Mother in-law

I'm not saying my mother in-law and I don't get along.  Its just the restraining order gets in the way.

Rational Thinking

When I buy a loaf of bread and bring it home to my family, I break it off into little bites and hand the tiny morsels to everyone, one per person.  When they say, "what are you doing?", I say, "I'm being rational."

Cogito

Descartes:  Christof!  I have figured it out.  I think, therefore I am!

Christof:  If that's true, what about idiocrates?

Idiocrates:  Derrrrrrr........

A thief broke into a labratory...

A thief broke into a labratory last night.  He stole one molecule of NaCL and one lithium ion.

He is wanted for assault and battery.