Fake news

George Washington died today while visiting to the BASF chemical company.  A spokesperson for the company commented that he "could not tell a lye."

Instructor of Online Phys Ed

The education system in America is trying to adapt to the new technological society we live in.  Colleges are looking for ways to integrate technology into the classroom to give students a better experience and preparedness.  

However, perhaps Georgia Perimeter College took it a step too far by posting a job on Indeed.com that requests an Instructor of Physical Education to develop and teach online coursework.  

Is that going to be the laziest gym teacher ever.  The teacher is watching the class from his vacation home in Florida, while the whole class runs on Treadmills in front of webcams. 

Child support

My father owes me so much child support that when he dies I'm afraid I'm gonna get stuck with the payments.

Free Documentaries

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."  -Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/groucho_marx.html#ixzz1gUH9NciD

If you must watch, I recommend checking out this documentary haven online.  

FreeDocumentaries.Org

Waiting on bankers

I waited on a party of bankers, and they left me an 18% tip. 

Petition o n supreme court case

Petition - A Petition to Support the Saving American Democracy Amendment : Bernie Sanders - U.S. Senator for Vermont

Today's Music - Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band

Enough with the funny business.  Enjoy a quality big band piece from Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KM3GJbbxFo

EPA Fail

So pumping poisonous brines into the ground can contribute to pollution. Who would have guessed? Good job EPA.
http://www.npr.org/2011/12/08/143362512/epa-implicates-fracking-in-wyoming-pollution

Bills in the mail

I get so many bills in the mail that the postman started roughing me up to pay them. 

My Creditors Know I'm Poor

I'm so poor that my creditors called my job and asked if I could get a raise. 

Im So Ugly At the Library

I am so ugly I have to pick up chicks at the Braille section of the library. 

Ugly traffic stop

I'm so ugly I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me to take off my seat belt. 

Domain Names

Have you heard about the new .XXX domain names for the Porn Industry?  Finally, all those porn domains can be bought up and used by legitimate businesses.  My church is thinking of buying AlwaysOnMyKnees.com

(This is just a joke.  The website is fake.  Please do not click on the fake address.)

Can you break a Euro?

Everybody is worried about the Euro breaking up.  From my experience, nobody can break a Euro when there is a vending machine around. 

Senate Hears Compromise

The Washing Post states that the Senate will hear a compromise.  That's a stretch.

Mayan Millenium Party

On December 21st, 2012, some people in this country will be prepared for the end of the Earth.  What they don't realize is that the Mayans, were they around, would be partying it up like its 1999. That's what we would do at the end of our Calendar. 

Herman's qualifications

Herman Cain has been accused by at least four women of sexual harassment and by another of having an extramarital affair.  Cain has shown his Presidential Eloquence by denying any wrongdoing. 

Monk sets self on fire

A Tibetan monk set himself on fire yesterday to protest China's rule over the region.  The Chinese government is hoping more will follow suit. 

Nato suicide bombing in afghanistan

A nato building was suicide bombed today in Afghanistan.  When are we going to start building nato buildings in their part of town?

A 200 lbs. 8 year old

In Ohio, a 200 pound 8 year old boy was removed from his mother's home and placed ino foster care.  Child protective services would like to thank the Hercules Hernia Belt Co. for their help with the case.

Euthanasia

I like to have my pets put to sleep at the end of november.  Not because that's when they need to die but because of the black friday sales at the veterinarian.

Masturbation

Masturbation feels great.  On the other hand, it feels weird. 

Pistachios

Pistachios are the clams of the nut family.

Fixing education in Georgia

Fareed Zakaria did a special called "Fixing Education".  But really, that was the whole problem with the testing system in Georgia.  It was fixed. 

Cognitive comedy

I am a cognitive comedian.  Which means, if you talk to Descartes, that you have to think about my jokes, then they exist. 

Ancient woman just like today

It will be no surprise to anyone that the phrase "Women!  Can't live with them, can't live without them!" was an old saying in ancient Greece. 

Cigarettes vs. car accident

Even if I smoked cigarettes, I would be more likely to die in a car accident.  I live in an asian neighborhood.

My Mother in-law

I'm not saying my mother in-law and I don't get along.  Its just the restraining order gets in the way.

Rational Thinking

When I buy a loaf of bread and bring it home to my family, I break it off into little bites and hand the tiny morsels to everyone, one per person.  When they say, "what are you doing?", I say, "I'm being rational."

Cogito

Descartes:  Christof!  I have figured it out.  I think, therefore I am!

Christof:  If that's true, what about idiocrates?

Idiocrates:  Derrrrrrr........

A thief broke into a labratory...

A thief broke into a labratory last night.  He stole one molecule of NaCL and one lithium ion.

He is wanted for assault and battery.